Every Golf Group Has These 5 Guys

FGURE STORIES #002

And if you don't know which one you are, I've got some bad news.

Golf is a beautiful game.

Fresh air. Good friends. Eighteen holes. A chance to forget about everything going on in your life for a few hours.

Until somebody in your group starts acting like he's playing for a green jacket.

Every golf group has its characters. Doesn't matter if you're playing a $20 muni or a private club that charges more for a hot dog than your local grocery store charges for an entire pack.

The personalities are the same.

And if you've played enough golf, you've met every single one of these guys.

You might even be one.

THE TOUR PRO WHO SHOOTS 94

You know this guy.

Full staff bag. Alignment sticks. Rangefinder that costs more than his driver.

He's got the newest everything.

Before every shot, he's checking the wind, calculating the slope, and discussing whether a stock seven-iron or a flighted six is the better play.

Brother, you're 160 yards out and lying five.

Just hit the ball.

He's got a pre-shot routine that takes forty-five seconds and a post-shot explanation that takes another two minutes.

Every bad shot was caused by something.

The wind switched.

The lie was weird.

His glove felt different.

His swing coach told him not to release it that way.

Somehow, it's never the swing.

But I'll give him credit.

Nobody has ever looked better making triple bogey.

THE GUY WHO NEVER PRACTICES BUT SOMEHOW SHOOTS 76

This guy is genuinely irritating.

He hasn't touched a club in three weeks.

Shows up five minutes before the tee time.

No warm-up. No stretching. Probably doesn't even know what golf balls are in his bag.

First tee?

Middle of the fairway.

Second shot?

Twelve feet.

Birdie.

Meanwhile, you've been working on your takeaway for six consecutive mornings and just blocked your opening tee shot into somebody's backyard.

The worst part?

He doesn't even seem impressed.

"Yeah, I don't know. Just trying to keep it simple."

Keep it simple?

I've got fourteen swing thoughts and a training aid in my trunk.

I don't need to hear that right now.

THE RULES OFFICIAL

Every group has somebody who treats a casual Saturday round like it's the final stage of Q-School.

Your ball moves half an inch while you're addressing it?

He's already reaching for the rule book.

You ask whether you get relief from something?

He's giving you a twelve-minute explanation involving three different scenarios and a diagram.

And somehow, this guy knows every rule in golf except the one about keeping up with the group ahead.

Look, rules matter.

Especially when you're competing.

But if we're playing a casual round and somebody accidentally drops their ball two inches outside the relief area, we probably don't need to contact the USGA.

Relax.

We're trying to finish before sunset.

THE GUY WHO'S ALWAYS ONE SWING AWAY

This might be the most optimistic person on Earth.

He could be twelve over through six holes, but he's convinced he's about to turn it around.

"I figured something out."

No, you didn't.

You hit one decent seven-iron.

He's been working on a swing change since 2019.

Every round starts with a new discovery.

"Bro, I think I was standing too close."

Next hole:

"Actually, I think I was standing too far."

By the fifteenth, he's considering changing his grip, shaft flex, ball position, and entire personality.

But here's the thing.

Sometimes he actually hits that one perfect shot.

And just like that, he's back.

"See? That's what I've been trying to do."

We'll see you next Saturday, buddy.

Same time. Same swing change.

THE SILENT ASSASSIN

This is the golfer you need to watch out for.

He doesn't talk much.

Doesn't have a flashy swing.

Doesn't tell you how far he hits his seven-iron.

He just plays.

Fairway.

Green.

Two putts.

Next hole.

You don't think anything of it until you're walking off the fourteenth green and realize he's two under.

Meanwhile, you've been talking about how well you're hitting it all day and you're somehow six over.

The Silent Assassin doesn't care about swing speed, Instagram clips, or how good his backswing looks.

He cares about the number on the scorecard.

And when there's something on the line?

That's usually the guy taking everybody's money.

SO WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

Here's the beautiful thing about golf.

Every group is different, but somehow every group is exactly the same.

You've got the equipment guy.

The naturally talented guy.

The rules guy.

The guy who's been one swing away for seven years.

And the quiet guy who somehow beats everybody.

That's part of what makes this game so entertaining.

The golf is great.

But the personalities?

Sometimes they're even better.

Every golf group has these five guys.

The question isn't whether you know them.

The question is which one you are.

And if you think none of these apply to you, congratulations.

You're probably the guy who shoots 94 with a $4,000 bag.

FIGURE IT OUT.